"The service ended with a hymn and the collection followed by a silent prayer, in which Agent Morin told Gamache about his late grandmother, who smoked incessantly without ever removing the cigarette from her mouth.
'Her right eye was always winking because of the smoke,' Morin explained. 'And the cigarette just burned down. She never tapped off the ash. It hung there, this long tube of gray. We could watch her for hours. My sister thought she was disgusting but I kinda liked her. She drank too. She could eat and drink without once taking the cigarette out.'
He sounded impressed.
'Once when she was preparing breakfast the whole line of ash fell into the porridge. She just kept stirring. God knows how much ash and crap we ate.'
'Did the smoking kill her?' Gamache asked.
'No. She choked on a brussels sprout.'
There was a pause and despite himself, Gamache chuckled."
Bury Your Dead, Louise Penny, p 124
In all the pages I read yesterday, this little story stood out, and struck me as slightly funny and offbeat. I even read it out loud to both my coworkers and to Jake. (I do that from time to time-I know it must be hard for people to grasp the true essence of the excerpt, since they aren't reading the book themselves, yet I just have to share)
I like the vivid picture that Penny creates. I'm impressed with her writing, since I don't usually like Canadian authors. This mystery drama is keeping me on my toes, that's for sure. Check it out!
Love,
Ashleigh
5.31.2012
5.24.2012
Lately...
In the kitchen:
......hard-boiled eggs, guacamole, and no-bake healthy treats
On the MP3 player:
......Titanium-David Guetta and Sia, Follow the Leader-Jennifer Lopez (Wisin y Yandel), Marianna's Trench
Paid for with VISA:
.......nose piercing, HMV music downloads, dried fruit
X {book} marks the spot:
.......Every Secret Thing by Emma Cole, Colossians
On internet browsing history:
........Pinterest, Facebook, thediva-dish.com, cleaneatingmag.com, oxygen.com
Passing the time:
.......walks with Jake (searching for snapping turtles in the river), sleeping, cooking, eating, reading, interwebs
Grateful for:
........naturewalks, exercise, healthy alternatives to junk food, good sleeps, a job, a Father who loves me, a lovey husband
Looking forward to:
........a week-end visit with my bro, lunch date with a friend, a wedding in BC, teaching ESL in 6 weeks
Love,
Ashleigh
......hard-boiled eggs, guacamole, and no-bake healthy treats
On the MP3 player:
......Titanium-David Guetta and Sia, Follow the Leader-Jennifer Lopez (Wisin y Yandel), Marianna's Trench
Paid for with VISA:
.......nose piercing, HMV music downloads, dried fruit
X {book} marks the spot:
.......Every Secret Thing by Emma Cole, Colossians
On internet browsing history:
........Pinterest, Facebook, thediva-dish.com, cleaneatingmag.com, oxygen.com
Passing the time:
.......walks with Jake (searching for snapping turtles in the river), sleeping, cooking, eating, reading, interwebs
Grateful for:
........naturewalks, exercise, healthy alternatives to junk food, good sleeps, a job, a Father who loves me, a lovey husband
Looking forward to:
........a week-end visit with my bro, lunch date with a friend, a wedding in BC, teaching ESL in 6 weeks
Love,
Ashleigh
5.22.2012
Without a Clue..
When was the last time you played the game 'Clue'? Having not played it for 5 or 6 years, it was fun re-learning the rules with friends tonight. The latest upgrade of the boardgame is colourful, and includes new and exotic rooms like 'the spa' and 'the patio'. Secret passages continue to be the hidden gems, and there is a sunken pool smack dab in the middle of the atrium. Imagine owning a mansion like that!
Most of my close friends and family are familiar with my distaste for board games, so it is with great apprehension that I inform you of the growing tolerance I have for these sorts of things.
I can only speculate on my past hatred for board games. I will admit, games like UNO, War, and Go Fish are most enjoyable for me. They are easy to learn, require minimal concentration, and are especially fun to play with little guys (namely my youngest brother and the boys I baby-sat this year). Board games, on the other hand, often take 10 or more minutes to explain, and, depending on who you play them with, can be quite tedious and competitive. Don't get me wrong, I have a competitive streak, but I just couldn't find it in myself to warm up to a game of Cranium (or whatever game of choice). I had to be in the mood. And no one was allowed to get overtly excited about playing said game. Seriously. I had an aversion to coersive tactics applied by dramatically happy gamers. Which describes my entire immediate family, to the letter.
Let's just say I had a rebellious desire to thwart any satisfied smirks upon the discovery of my potential enjoyment of said game (after being coerced into playing, of course).
Because of that ridiculous mentality, I stopped playing most board games altogether, even if they looked remotely interesting. My family was often saddened by my refusal to join in the fun, and my poor attitude has often thrown a distasteful wrench into social situations with friends.
Jake isn't much of a gamer himself, but he is a lot of fun, and will usually join a game if the opportunity presents itself. He is also very good when explaining rules to people; I tease him, but his clear and concise use of words are something of a wonder. He is pretty competitive when it comes to the win, however, and I have been through the whole gamut of emotions when playing opposite him: annoyance, awe, and intimidation. He is a gaming force to be reckoned with.
It is, however, his passion for fun that inspired me to rethink my motives for board game bashing. A couple of months ago, I realized that it might not be so bad if I just became open to playing every once in a while. Over the course of time, my attitude has started to change, and I feel something akin to excitement if someone suggests playing a board game. This has also changed the way I interact with some friends, as people often become more expressive when they're on their way to winning.
I won our game tonight, by the way. Jake even said he was impressed with my skill, and I must say, that felt pretty good.
Love,
Ashleigh
Most of my close friends and family are familiar with my distaste for board games, so it is with great apprehension that I inform you of the growing tolerance I have for these sorts of things.
I can only speculate on my past hatred for board games. I will admit, games like UNO, War, and Go Fish are most enjoyable for me. They are easy to learn, require minimal concentration, and are especially fun to play with little guys (namely my youngest brother and the boys I baby-sat this year). Board games, on the other hand, often take 10 or more minutes to explain, and, depending on who you play them with, can be quite tedious and competitive. Don't get me wrong, I have a competitive streak, but I just couldn't find it in myself to warm up to a game of Cranium (or whatever game of choice). I had to be in the mood. And no one was allowed to get overtly excited about playing said game. Seriously. I had an aversion to coersive tactics applied by dramatically happy gamers. Which describes my entire immediate family, to the letter.
Let's just say I had a rebellious desire to thwart any satisfied smirks upon the discovery of my potential enjoyment of said game (after being coerced into playing, of course).
Because of that ridiculous mentality, I stopped playing most board games altogether, even if they looked remotely interesting. My family was often saddened by my refusal to join in the fun, and my poor attitude has often thrown a distasteful wrench into social situations with friends.
Jake isn't much of a gamer himself, but he is a lot of fun, and will usually join a game if the opportunity presents itself. He is also very good when explaining rules to people; I tease him, but his clear and concise use of words are something of a wonder. He is pretty competitive when it comes to the win, however, and I have been through the whole gamut of emotions when playing opposite him: annoyance, awe, and intimidation. He is a gaming force to be reckoned with.
It is, however, his passion for fun that inspired me to rethink my motives for board game bashing. A couple of months ago, I realized that it might not be so bad if I just became open to playing every once in a while. Over the course of time, my attitude has started to change, and I feel something akin to excitement if someone suggests playing a board game. This has also changed the way I interact with some friends, as people often become more expressive when they're on their way to winning.
I won our game tonight, by the way. Jake even said he was impressed with my skill, and I must say, that felt pretty good.
Love,
Ashleigh
5.10.2012
A Little Journey...
I have been waiting for the right time to write this. It seems that there is never a perfect moment to talk about a health journey, since we can spend a lifetime trying to stay on track.
So let me start from the beginning...
>:<
I have always struggled with my shape. If I'm perfectly honest with myself, this struggle has been due to a deep discontent with how I look. I'm 5'8", the tallest woman in my immediate family, and have never been able to share clothes with my sisters. I remember borrowing an article of clothing from one of them; later it was given to me because my body had stretched the fabric, and she could no longer wear it.
That was a long time ago. I still can't share clothes with my sisters because I'm too far away, but the impact of moments like that has lingered. My adolescent body has slowly changed into my more womanly figure of today, but my insecurity and discontentment are forces that must still be reckoned with.
>:<
I've never been embarrassed to tell people my weight, and there have been moments when I've relished the surprise in their responses: 'Wow, I would never have guessed! There's no way you could weigh that much!'
The most I've ever weighed was 178 lbs, and that peaked in May 2011. I kept thinking back to when I was 140 lbs after coming out of the hospital 2 years prior, and so I started to run.
>:<
Running has always been my go-to sport. It's easy, my legs are strong, and it doesn't cost a dime. I'm sure I look a little bit funny, but I think everyone has a quirky running gait. I ran for 4 months, from May to September, and got down to 166. Then I got plantar fasciatis in my right foot, and had to stop so I could let it heal. I took up swimming instead, another one of my favourite things to do. I went swimming for 2 months, then stopped. [I've recently discovered that if I don't switch to a different form of exercise every 2 months, then I will simply get bored and stop exercising altogether.]
By this time I had started seeing a naturopath, and told her that I'd like to get down to my goal weight of 140lbs. In January she gave me a meal plan to follow so that I could start to lose weight. By that time I was 168 lbs and feeling very desperate. We decided that 145lbs would be the best weight compared to my height and body type.
The meal plan was very balanced, and is based on low glycemic foods (those that contain low sugars). I didn't have to count calories, but I did have to make sure I got a certain amount of the following foods every day, which would total to 1300 calories a day:
-nuts and seeds (1 serving)
-legumes (1 serving)
-Category I veggies (most vegetables) (unlimited servings)
-Category II veggies (sweet potatoes, carrots, beets, squash, which all contain higher amounts of sugar) (1 serving)
-whole grains
-protein shakes (2 servings)
-Protein (2 servings)
-Fats (good ones, like avocadoes, olives, etc) (4 servings)
The low amount of calories would ensure that I would lose weight, and if I exercised on top of that I would lose it even faster.
I stayed on this meal plan for 4 months, but I have to admit that I did cheat sometimes. I tried to stay off sugar as much as possible; at one point I didn't have sugar for one full month! This was extremely hard to do, but it was a good lesson in discipline. I have never bought so many vegetables in my life, and I gained a new appreciation for spices and homemade sauces and dressings. I started scouring the web and magazines for new recipes so that I wouldn't have to live off mere salads and stir-frys. There is a world of creativity that exists, and I am pleased to say that I have enjoyed cooking and discovering healthy alternatives.
I hardly cooked unhealthy foods prior to this, but I learned how to balance my diet to make sure I'm getting all the nutrients I need every day. I also learned about portion control, and how to pair foods, such as peanut butter and apples, to make a satisfying snack more filling. I'm not following the plan as strictly anymore, but I still try to make sure that I get all of these food groups into my day.
I am now trying to maintain the weight that I've lost, which amounts to around 23lbs since January (or 33lbs since last May, if you're still counting!) It didn't happen in a moment, because I didn't gain it all in a moment. It took hard work and diligence, and that doesn't just mean the exercising and eating healthy. It's also a mental battle, which is something I have to struggle with every day. Even though I know that it's good for me to eat healthy, and I don't feel so sick when I fill my body with good foods, my mind tells me that processed foods taste delicious. It's a constant fight to over-ride the years of poor choices and justifications.
>:<
I am the most in shape and the smallest I've been in years, but even that has been a source of discontentment. My pants don't fit and I often feel tiny and vulnerable.
And yet...I feel a sense of accomplishment for how far I've come, and every day I get a bit more comfortable in this new skin. I'm also grateful for the chance to better my health, by eating healthier and exercising.
Thankfully, this journey doesn't end here...
Love,
Ashleigh
P.s. Jake has been my biggest encouragement, and has helped me in situations when my willpower has been at its weakest. I couldn't have had a more impactful and loving (some tough love, too!) supporter than him. Thank you, sweetie, for believing in me and for eating all the random food that I have made over the past few months! I love you.
So let me start from the beginning...
>:<
I have always struggled with my shape. If I'm perfectly honest with myself, this struggle has been due to a deep discontent with how I look. I'm 5'8", the tallest woman in my immediate family, and have never been able to share clothes with my sisters. I remember borrowing an article of clothing from one of them; later it was given to me because my body had stretched the fabric, and she could no longer wear it.
That was a long time ago. I still can't share clothes with my sisters because I'm too far away, but the impact of moments like that has lingered. My adolescent body has slowly changed into my more womanly figure of today, but my insecurity and discontentment are forces that must still be reckoned with.
>:<
I've never been embarrassed to tell people my weight, and there have been moments when I've relished the surprise in their responses: 'Wow, I would never have guessed! There's no way you could weigh that much!'
The most I've ever weighed was 178 lbs, and that peaked in May 2011. I kept thinking back to when I was 140 lbs after coming out of the hospital 2 years prior, and so I started to run.
>:<
Running has always been my go-to sport. It's easy, my legs are strong, and it doesn't cost a dime. I'm sure I look a little bit funny, but I think everyone has a quirky running gait. I ran for 4 months, from May to September, and got down to 166. Then I got plantar fasciatis in my right foot, and had to stop so I could let it heal. I took up swimming instead, another one of my favourite things to do. I went swimming for 2 months, then stopped. [I've recently discovered that if I don't switch to a different form of exercise every 2 months, then I will simply get bored and stop exercising altogether.]
By this time I had started seeing a naturopath, and told her that I'd like to get down to my goal weight of 140lbs. In January she gave me a meal plan to follow so that I could start to lose weight. By that time I was 168 lbs and feeling very desperate. We decided that 145lbs would be the best weight compared to my height and body type.
The meal plan was very balanced, and is based on low glycemic foods (those that contain low sugars). I didn't have to count calories, but I did have to make sure I got a certain amount of the following foods every day, which would total to 1300 calories a day:
-nuts and seeds (1 serving)
-legumes (1 serving)
-Category I veggies (most vegetables) (unlimited servings)
-Category II veggies (sweet potatoes, carrots, beets, squash, which all contain higher amounts of sugar) (1 serving)
-whole grains
-protein shakes (2 servings)
-Protein (2 servings)
-Fats (good ones, like avocadoes, olives, etc) (4 servings)
The low amount of calories would ensure that I would lose weight, and if I exercised on top of that I would lose it even faster.
I stayed on this meal plan for 4 months, but I have to admit that I did cheat sometimes. I tried to stay off sugar as much as possible; at one point I didn't have sugar for one full month! This was extremely hard to do, but it was a good lesson in discipline. I have never bought so many vegetables in my life, and I gained a new appreciation for spices and homemade sauces and dressings. I started scouring the web and magazines for new recipes so that I wouldn't have to live off mere salads and stir-frys. There is a world of creativity that exists, and I am pleased to say that I have enjoyed cooking and discovering healthy alternatives.
I hardly cooked unhealthy foods prior to this, but I learned how to balance my diet to make sure I'm getting all the nutrients I need every day. I also learned about portion control, and how to pair foods, such as peanut butter and apples, to make a satisfying snack more filling. I'm not following the plan as strictly anymore, but I still try to make sure that I get all of these food groups into my day.
I am now trying to maintain the weight that I've lost, which amounts to around 23lbs since January (or 33lbs since last May, if you're still counting!) It didn't happen in a moment, because I didn't gain it all in a moment. It took hard work and diligence, and that doesn't just mean the exercising and eating healthy. It's also a mental battle, which is something I have to struggle with every day. Even though I know that it's good for me to eat healthy, and I don't feel so sick when I fill my body with good foods, my mind tells me that processed foods taste delicious. It's a constant fight to over-ride the years of poor choices and justifications.
>:<
I am the most in shape and the smallest I've been in years, but even that has been a source of discontentment. My pants don't fit and I often feel tiny and vulnerable.
And yet...I feel a sense of accomplishment for how far I've come, and every day I get a bit more comfortable in this new skin. I'm also grateful for the chance to better my health, by eating healthier and exercising.
Thankfully, this journey doesn't end here...
Love,
Ashleigh
P.s. Jake has been my biggest encouragement, and has helped me in situations when my willpower has been at its weakest. I couldn't have had a more impactful and loving (some tough love, too!) supporter than him. Thank you, sweetie, for believing in me and for eating all the random food that I have made over the past few months! I love you.
5.02.2012
Fears, Phobias, and Frights...
I finished reading a book about a woman with amnesia. Upon awaking every morning, her husband was required to tell her who she was, who he was, and what her life entailed. Once I neared the end of the book, however, it became clear that this 'husband' was not who he seemed to be, and was using her amnesia as a way to manipulate her thoughts regarding her own life. It was dreadfully provocative writing, and I was transported to a place I dare not dwell.
All of us fear things. I'm afraid of spiders, of suffocation, and of falling and hitting my head (I suppose that happened too many times when I was younger).
One thing that absolutely frightens me is being drugged, being put into a strait jacket, and being manipulated to believe things about myself or people I know that aren't true.
As you can see, that book hit a little too close to home for me. I was reading in Ecclesiastes, and Solomon ends the book with this sentence:
"Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man's all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil." -Eccl. 12:13b-14
I know that I'm human and have fears, but really, I should be fearing God the most. He is my loving Saviour, but He is also the Creator of the universe and the Ruler over all. He will judge us all at the end of time. Because I'm His child, obedience and love for Him should be my priority.
I need to have more than a healthy dose of fear, respect, and awe for my God. It's a good reminder when the small fears threaten to take over.
Love,
Ashleigh
All of us fear things. I'm afraid of spiders, of suffocation, and of falling and hitting my head (I suppose that happened too many times when I was younger).
One thing that absolutely frightens me is being drugged, being put into a strait jacket, and being manipulated to believe things about myself or people I know that aren't true.
As you can see, that book hit a little too close to home for me. I was reading in Ecclesiastes, and Solomon ends the book with this sentence:
"Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man's all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil." -Eccl. 12:13b-14
I know that I'm human and have fears, but really, I should be fearing God the most. He is my loving Saviour, but He is also the Creator of the universe and the Ruler over all. He will judge us all at the end of time. Because I'm His child, obedience and love for Him should be my priority.
I need to have more than a healthy dose of fear, respect, and awe for my God. It's a good reminder when the small fears threaten to take over.
Love,
Ashleigh
4.26.2012
Conflictions...
I confess. I just looked up confliction in the dictionary because I thought I made it up. In my head it was going to be a mash up of conflict and conviction. So. That is what it will be.
I haven't been blogging. One more confession...I've been reading other people's blogs too much. Now I've gotten all my knickers in a twist, thinking that mine isn't good enough.
One of the things I wondered while having my brief pity party was if my blog has a point. You know what I mean, right? There are some people who blog about food, others who blog about parenting, or gardening or whatever. Some people are ridiculously witty. Others are very technical.
Will the real Ashleigh please stand up?
Oh, she's standing. Right where she'll always be.
This space will not be compromised because of other people and comparison, and yet I hope that over the years it will improve in and of itself.
So, here are some things you can expect from my blog and, consequently, my writing:
1. I will probably be vulnerable. In fact, some blogs might make you embarrassed for me. Don't worry, sometimes it's ok to wear your heart on your sleeve. I prefer my vulnerable side to the brick wall that some people are forced to scale on occasion (most notably my husband). Trust me, in time you'll come to thank me for it.
2. I will always, ALWAYS write about food. No matter where I go in this world, no matter what stage of life, I will keep you posted about any and every extraordinary culinary experience.
3. I will write about beautiful things. Like sunsets, and glistening water in a glass, and Jesus' love for the world.
4. Not all of my blogs talk specifically about my Saviour, but you can be sure that my faith in Christ is where my worldview stems from. It's kind of like the book of Esther, where God's name is not mentioned but you always know that it was Him who orchestrated all the fantastic events.
5. I will write about my husband, Jake...I kinda love him a lot! Oh, and I'm sure I'll blog about any future children too(no, that was not an announcement!) I will also write about the rest of my extended family, because they're pretty much the bomb.
6. I will write about things God is teaching me, which, right now, consist of more words than will fit this page.
7. I will write about my daily life. This may or may not bore you. Sorry, can't please everyone!
8. I will write about chocolate. Yes, this is a separate number than the food category. This was intentional.
9. I will write about some insecurities. This is normal, and until Christ's return, we'll be feeling like the imperfect and insecure humans that we are. Only in Christ will I find some semblance of peace in this area of life.
10. I will do my best to write in my real voice. For those of you who are readers and writers, you know all about voices. Not the ones that you might hear in your head (am I the only one?!), but the ones that we use to infer personality or tone within a piece of writing. I know the exact moment that I stop using my personal, Ashleigh voice and start into a bloggy voice. This 'bloggy' voice takes on tones from other blogs-the ones which I've deemed more notable and popular-I've read, and contains a certain amount of wit that I myself do not naturally possess. I try to avoid this voice, which, surprisingly, even shows up in my personal journal on occasion.
And that's my blog in a nutshell. Enjoy, folks!
Love,
Ashleigh
I haven't been blogging. One more confession...I've been reading other people's blogs too much. Now I've gotten all my knickers in a twist, thinking that mine isn't good enough.
One of the things I wondered while having my brief pity party was if my blog has a point. You know what I mean, right? There are some people who blog about food, others who blog about parenting, or gardening or whatever. Some people are ridiculously witty. Others are very technical.
Will the real Ashleigh please stand up?
Oh, she's standing. Right where she'll always be.
This space will not be compromised because of other people and comparison, and yet I hope that over the years it will improve in and of itself.
So, here are some things you can expect from my blog and, consequently, my writing:
1. I will probably be vulnerable. In fact, some blogs might make you embarrassed for me. Don't worry, sometimes it's ok to wear your heart on your sleeve. I prefer my vulnerable side to the brick wall that some people are forced to scale on occasion (most notably my husband). Trust me, in time you'll come to thank me for it.
2. I will always, ALWAYS write about food. No matter where I go in this world, no matter what stage of life, I will keep you posted about any and every extraordinary culinary experience.
3. I will write about beautiful things. Like sunsets, and glistening water in a glass, and Jesus' love for the world.
4. Not all of my blogs talk specifically about my Saviour, but you can be sure that my faith in Christ is where my worldview stems from. It's kind of like the book of Esther, where God's name is not mentioned but you always know that it was Him who orchestrated all the fantastic events.
5. I will write about my husband, Jake...I kinda love him a lot! Oh, and I'm sure I'll blog about any future children too(no, that was not an announcement!) I will also write about the rest of my extended family, because they're pretty much the bomb.
6. I will write about things God is teaching me, which, right now, consist of more words than will fit this page.
7. I will write about my daily life. This may or may not bore you. Sorry, can't please everyone!
8. I will write about chocolate. Yes, this is a separate number than the food category. This was intentional.
9. I will write about some insecurities. This is normal, and until Christ's return, we'll be feeling like the imperfect and insecure humans that we are. Only in Christ will I find some semblance of peace in this area of life.
10. I will do my best to write in my real voice. For those of you who are readers and writers, you know all about voices. Not the ones that you might hear in your head (am I the only one?!), but the ones that we use to infer personality or tone within a piece of writing. I know the exact moment that I stop using my personal, Ashleigh voice and start into a bloggy voice. This 'bloggy' voice takes on tones from other blogs-the ones which I've deemed more notable and popular-I've read, and contains a certain amount of wit that I myself do not naturally possess. I try to avoid this voice, which, surprisingly, even shows up in my personal journal on occasion.
And that's my blog in a nutshell. Enjoy, folks!
Love,
Ashleigh
4.12.2012
Goodness ...
Legit, folks. Make it and indulge in the silky texture that's sure to send you straight into chocolate heaven itself.
You're welcome... (because I know you're going to try it!)
Love,
Ashleigh
4.05.2012
Pinterest...
I have an addiction...and it's called too many recipes, too little time. I'm so eager to try out new ones that I can never perfect the ones I've done before.
If you have Pinterest, you'll know that there are many, many pictures and recipes being posted every single day. I don't have time to go through those. I just pin my own :) You can call me the 'happy pinner'. I like storing the pictures there. It's convenient for me to go back to one place when I want to try making all those delicious things.
What's your addiction lately?
Love,
Ashleigh
If you have Pinterest, you'll know that there are many, many pictures and recipes being posted every single day. I don't have time to go through those. I just pin my own :) You can call me the 'happy pinner'. I like storing the pictures there. It's convenient for me to go back to one place when I want to try making all those delicious things.
What's your addiction lately?
Love,
Ashleigh
4.04.2012
Speaking of Reflection...
3 years. So much has changed since that fateful day that I went into the hospital after a scare with my heart.
Oh my heart.
It's taken such a beating, been bruised, been shocked, been in love..yes, in love.
Some of you may not know this story. It can never be told enough, and yet how many times do I forget that it ever happened? I often touch the scar on my chest, above my heart, where an object so foreign yet now familiar rests, monitoring my every beat, ready at a moment's notice to shock the muscles back into life.
Saturday,April 4, 2009.
It was a day that started out at McDonald's for breakfast with my friend Ruth-Ann. I still don't even remember it. My memory is completely blocked out from the night before until the week after, therefore this is all what people have told me.
I went to work. I was wearing my favourite outfit (which, I found out later, the paramedics had to cut off me, rendering me vulnerable and my clothes useless, never to be worn again.) When I went unconscious, my frightened co-workers called EMS, and then my heart stopped. Or maybe they called EMS after my heart stopped. You can fill in the details. Whatever the case is, my heart stopped.
And I'm alive. Praise God!
I was in the hospital for two weeks. The first couple of days I was in a drug-induced coma, then when they woke me up I scared everyone with short-term memory loss. Thankfully that didn't last. I started to remember my visitors the following Friday, and, being more aware of my surroundings and lack of appropriate clothing, started to be more embarrassed whenever the nurses had to attach leads to do their numerous ECG's and tests. Speaking of tests, I had 7 tests done, including drug infusions, MRI's, and angiograms, and they still don't know what happened.
That's how I ended up with this ICD inside of me. It's even more noticeable now that I've been losing weight. But I thank God that there's technology that can save me.
I fell in love...
One of the biggest changes that came of this was that my love interest at the time finally decided to ask me out. God showed him that there is no time like the present, especially when imminent death is in the equation. He came to visit me in the hospital, and I couldn't breathe (because he was so awesome, not from lack of oxygen). I held his hand, and gave him a comb. He thought I was still on drugs, or crazy (sometimes I think he still thinks that!), but now we're married, and we love each other so much. I remember the first time he touched my scar. It was so intimate, and such a reminder of how life can change, just like that.
I learned how to be dependent.
My parents came to see me every day. They stayed in the Heritage residence so they could be closer. My mom helped do my hair, and they held my hand during various procedures and tests. They prayed for me unceassingly.
Other people came too, praying, visiting, gifting me with sweet things to remind me that I was loved.
Once I was released, people helped me move to my new apartment, lifting boxes, packing, reminding me that I couldn't do this on my own. I was reliant on these people. And it was hard, but such an important thing for me to learn.
God didn't creat me to be Miss Independent, individualistic. In the hospital, I had to wait for the nurses to help me get to the bathroom, take a shower, bring me my meals, take out the oxygen, move my bed to the lab.
A hard lesson, but one that changed my life.
I give thanks for breath.
Yes, breath. I have written a few blogs about this one, but I can't talk enough about it. When I was hooked up to the oxygen (I hated the nose tubes, by the way), I would get disheartened every time I looked at the monitor. 77%, it would say. I was only breathing on my own at 77%?! It left me feeling vulnerable and scared that things would never go back to normal. Even after I was released, I was winded after walking up a simple flight of steps.
I went for a 30 minute run on Monday morning. With my own breath. And that felt good. I feel so close to God when I run outside, which is probably why I'm so addicted.
God is incredible, and even bigger than anything we can imagine, and any struggle that we go through. Even if the circumstances had been different, even if I had died, He still would have been good. Because that would have been part of His perfect plan.
May His name be glorified.
Over the years, people have told me the various ways that God touched them or changed them at this time three years ago. These are a few of my reflections. I would love to hear yours.
Love,
Ashleigh
Oh my heart.
It's taken such a beating, been bruised, been shocked, been in love..yes, in love.
Some of you may not know this story. It can never be told enough, and yet how many times do I forget that it ever happened? I often touch the scar on my chest, above my heart, where an object so foreign yet now familiar rests, monitoring my every beat, ready at a moment's notice to shock the muscles back into life.
Saturday,April 4, 2009.
It was a day that started out at McDonald's for breakfast with my friend Ruth-Ann. I still don't even remember it. My memory is completely blocked out from the night before until the week after, therefore this is all what people have told me.
I went to work. I was wearing my favourite outfit (which, I found out later, the paramedics had to cut off me, rendering me vulnerable and my clothes useless, never to be worn again.) When I went unconscious, my frightened co-workers called EMS, and then my heart stopped. Or maybe they called EMS after my heart stopped. You can fill in the details. Whatever the case is, my heart stopped.
And I'm alive. Praise God!
I was in the hospital for two weeks. The first couple of days I was in a drug-induced coma, then when they woke me up I scared everyone with short-term memory loss. Thankfully that didn't last. I started to remember my visitors the following Friday, and, being more aware of my surroundings and lack of appropriate clothing, started to be more embarrassed whenever the nurses had to attach leads to do their numerous ECG's and tests. Speaking of tests, I had 7 tests done, including drug infusions, MRI's, and angiograms, and they still don't know what happened.
That's how I ended up with this ICD inside of me. It's even more noticeable now that I've been losing weight. But I thank God that there's technology that can save me.
I fell in love...
One of the biggest changes that came of this was that my love interest at the time finally decided to ask me out. God showed him that there is no time like the present, especially when imminent death is in the equation. He came to visit me in the hospital, and I couldn't breathe (because he was so awesome, not from lack of oxygen). I held his hand, and gave him a comb. He thought I was still on drugs, or crazy (sometimes I think he still thinks that!), but now we're married, and we love each other so much. I remember the first time he touched my scar. It was so intimate, and such a reminder of how life can change, just like that.
I learned how to be dependent.
My parents came to see me every day. They stayed in the Heritage residence so they could be closer. My mom helped do my hair, and they held my hand during various procedures and tests. They prayed for me unceassingly.
Other people came too, praying, visiting, gifting me with sweet things to remind me that I was loved.
Once I was released, people helped me move to my new apartment, lifting boxes, packing, reminding me that I couldn't do this on my own. I was reliant on these people. And it was hard, but such an important thing for me to learn.
God didn't creat me to be Miss Independent, individualistic. In the hospital, I had to wait for the nurses to help me get to the bathroom, take a shower, bring me my meals, take out the oxygen, move my bed to the lab.
A hard lesson, but one that changed my life.
I give thanks for breath.
Yes, breath. I have written a few blogs about this one, but I can't talk enough about it. When I was hooked up to the oxygen (I hated the nose tubes, by the way), I would get disheartened every time I looked at the monitor. 77%, it would say. I was only breathing on my own at 77%?! It left me feeling vulnerable and scared that things would never go back to normal. Even after I was released, I was winded after walking up a simple flight of steps.
I went for a 30 minute run on Monday morning. With my own breath. And that felt good. I feel so close to God when I run outside, which is probably why I'm so addicted.
God is incredible, and even bigger than anything we can imagine, and any struggle that we go through. Even if the circumstances had been different, even if I had died, He still would have been good. Because that would have been part of His perfect plan.
May His name be glorified.
Over the years, people have told me the various ways that God touched them or changed them at this time three years ago. These are a few of my reflections. I would love to hear yours.
Love,
Ashleigh
4.03.2012
Anxiety and things...
be anxious for nothing, HE says.
My heart is constantly balking. By Sunday I will have worked 58 hours this week. There are only so many hours in the day to get things done. My mind is swirling, never settling on one stray thought before flitting to another, trying to remember who to call, which bill to pay, or finding a time to vacuum my kitchen (which I so thoughtfully dusted with coffee grinds before I flew out the door this afternoon).
be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, HE says.
I need this reminder so much. I'm so busy thinking about the things that I have to do, that I don't spend time reflecting and thanking Jesus for the things He's done in my life. There are many things to reflect on: my relationship with God, Christ's return, my relationship with Jake, marriage, and the list goes on. I often find myself telling Jake that I wish I had an answer for people when they ask me reflective questions such as: What has God taught you in marriage? What things are you learning? Those questions, however, give me a reason to stop and ponder.
Prayer is also something that I've been struggling with. We're so quick to try sorting out our problems by ourselves, aren't we? Just wait until the end of that verse:
be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...phil 4:6,7
Peace? What is this? My heart has been so unfamiliar with this word lately. But His Word says it right there: His peace will guard my heart and mind. First I have to give my cares to Him...all of them.
Love,
Ashleigh
My heart is constantly balking. By Sunday I will have worked 58 hours this week. There are only so many hours in the day to get things done. My mind is swirling, never settling on one stray thought before flitting to another, trying to remember who to call, which bill to pay, or finding a time to vacuum my kitchen (which I so thoughtfully dusted with coffee grinds before I flew out the door this afternoon).
be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, HE says.
I need this reminder so much. I'm so busy thinking about the things that I have to do, that I don't spend time reflecting and thanking Jesus for the things He's done in my life. There are many things to reflect on: my relationship with God, Christ's return, my relationship with Jake, marriage, and the list goes on. I often find myself telling Jake that I wish I had an answer for people when they ask me reflective questions such as: What has God taught you in marriage? What things are you learning? Those questions, however, give me a reason to stop and ponder.
Prayer is also something that I've been struggling with. We're so quick to try sorting out our problems by ourselves, aren't we? Just wait until the end of that verse:
be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...phil 4:6,7
Peace? What is this? My heart has been so unfamiliar with this word lately. But His Word says it right there: His peace will guard my heart and mind. First I have to give my cares to Him...all of them.
Love,
Ashleigh
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