I don't know how many times I've had to remind myself of all the good things God has done for me in the past when I get discouraged about my present. It's frustrating that the nature of our humanity is so weak and forgetful. The past two and a half months were very bleak for me, and job hunting became another boring and unfruitful task in the mundane of my every day. I kept looking, seeing the same jobs, taking up people on leads, being disappointed by those very people when the leads fizzled out. It became very clear to me that Jake leans on me more heavily than I might realize, and his frustration at my unhappiness and the lack of extra income was taking a toll on our relationship.
I asked God, "What are You waiting for? I struggle with patience, yes, so this is good practice, but Lord, our bills are racking up, we're scraping by, I'm able-bodied, just give me a job!"
We waited. and waited. and Jake prayed for me every single day. Without fail. Through his disappointment and frustration I saw a trust and a resolve to not go down on my sinking emotional ship. I barely prayed about it, because I didn't want to rock the boat.
I hated the, "Well, what do you want to do?" questions from well-meaning individuals-after a while, it seems like anything would suffice, and how can I be choosy? I hated the guilt that I felt if I didn't look for jobs every day, or when I took a resume in too late.
I thought about how, even in Brazil, where sometimes I felt useless, there was more of a point to living than this walking through the house-no energy-making food-eating food-letting things pile up-going to bed-waking up-job search-do the same all over routine.
I kept thinking about another friend of mine who, upon losing her job a year ago, remained prayerful and trusting that God would provide in His time, and whose faith was a huge example to me. Then God provided a job for her, a YEAR later, and yet that's how long God wanted her to keep learning how to trust.
Last Wednesday, Jake and I were talking, I was in the doldrums again, and all of a sudden he said, "Hey, why don't you post an ad on Kijiji about teaching ESL?" I thought, no, I can't do that, I mean, I'm certified, but I haven't even finished my practicum yet, and how is this going to work, and ohmygoshI'mterrified.
But I did it. I made an advertisement and Jake and I took to our knees at our praying couch and we asked God to use the ad for His glory, and again asked God to provide for our needs.
The next morning, I found an email waiting for me from a ESL teacher, asking if I was interested in teaching for the online ESL company that she works for. She manages about 10-12 teachers for this company, online, and when we chatted she said she NEVER looks for teachers. But she was desperate. And somehow, through all the qualified people out there and online, God led her to me. My 'phone interview' was more like an are you interested and please say yes because I'm in need of teachers plea, and me in complete agreeance with the desperation of the situation.
And I was hired. Just like that. In one day, with no references, with no background check, just complete trust on both of our parts that it would work out.
And God provided. Just like that. In one day, after all the days of waiting, with no warning, with no ceremony, just a small Kijiji ad and faith from my loving husband.
Isn't He good?