A Letter to My Firstborn...

Happy 2nd birthday, Adrian! I'm being reminded of some things that I wrote a couple of years ago and wanted to share them here...

On Your Due Date, September 21, 2013:

To my dear little one,

You have been growing inside of me for 9 months now.  Today is the day they said you could make your entrance into this crazy life.  I, for one, am overjoyed to meet you. 

I'll never forget that first moment I saw your little 12 week old existence, waving at Daddy and I from the monitor, moving your little arms and legs to some musical melody that must have been played by God, for your tiny ears alone.  You were really there, this miracle of life that all evidence pointed to, but physical evidence up to that point being only the roller-coaster of emotions I had been feeling.  

I waited for so long, and even when I felt that first flutter of life that could have been mistaken for indigestion I knew that you were going to change my life.  I felt sick and a little queasy when your movements became stronger, and the gravity of knowing I was carrying a human being, a life made in God's image, became very real.  I enjoyed getting to know your movement schedule, and trying to time it so that Daddy could feel you, too.  You weren't always "cooperative".  I think you may have been a little shy.  I had to remind myself that you are your own person, created with a unique personality which I will have the joy and wonder of discovering as you grow.  

I loved how your Daddy asked, "How's baby?" whenever he came home from work.  He would hold my belly, lean down real close and say, "Hi, baby!" in an endearing, high-pitched voice that I had never heard before. 

Sometimes when I feel you moving around I think, "What are you doing in there?" and I wish that my tummy had a little window so I could press my fingers against yours.  

It wasn't so difficult to choose not to know your gender.  I love those moments in the movies when they say, "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!"  The desire for a surprise was too strong, but now I'm eager to know my little son or daughter.  My child.  You aren't my sibling, or my nephew, or my friend's baby.  You are my child,a true gift from God that is the express outcome of the love shared between Daddy and I.  It is a beautiful mystery how an intricate, perfectly designed human being can be formed from one cell.  

Baby, I want you to know that I love you.  The love grew so strong over the course of 9 months that now there is this physical ache in my arms to hold you.  I need to feel you, to touch you and stand in awe before God.  We never chose to find out if you had a genetic condition.  I didn't want to judge you prematurely, to think of you in any way that is less perfect than how God made you, flaws and all.  I am your mother, and no amount of sickness or disease can change the way I feel about you. 

You are being born into a world that is full of lies, full of hatred, full of people who will want to hurt you and abuse you.  Sin has infiltrated every corner.  But your Daddy and i promise to teach you about Jesus, about the hope that comes with trusting in Him.  He died for you, for the sins you haven't even committed yet  I promise to teach you of the love He has for you, my precious Little Rabbit.  As your mother, I think about nights spent tucking you into bed, reading you Bible verses, teaching you how to pray for others.  I know I won't be the perfect mom, but oh! how I pray that you will give me grace when I fail.  I promise to seek truth in God's Word so that I will not deceive you like the world is wont to do.  My deepest desire is for you to know Jesus in the richest sense of the Word, and that one day He won't be "that guy" that Mommy and Daddy talk about, but that He will be Your Lord and Saviour, too.  May your tender heart turn towards him when you are sad and disheartened.  

My prayer for you is that you will know true peace in Christ.

These days I am likening your arrival to the return of Christ.  I know He's coming back one day, but not when.  I suppose we can be a bit more definite with you, but we still don't know the hour.  I find myself smelling the sweet scent of the baby laundry detergent i bought for your sensitive baby skin, holding up tiny sleepers and onesies to my nose, imagining your little body filling them, filling my arms.  Even though I feel you moving on the inside, I still rub my hands over my belly to get another touch of what must be your foot, knee, bum.  Your movements have never been so uncomfortable.  You never kicked me painfully.  When you did kick, it startled me, making me laugh.  Your movements have been more gentle, like a rolling.  I often got freaked out when I saw/felt a little elbow or knee slide across my belly.  You have been a joy and a mystery, even when a foot pops up undder my ribs so that I have to sit back far.  You made Daddy laugh, a lot,which gave me even more joy.  You should see his face when he talks about you, espeecially this week, since he's finished his paper.  He lights up and gets this goofy "dad" grin.  He can't wait to meet you and always says, "Baby wants to be born!" or "Baby, be born! Come out"  He pushes on either side of my belly trying to find you, wiggling you back and forth.  Then he says, "Oh! There you are!" and pokes and leans down to kiss you (or me!)  He is so in love with you too- never forget that!

My sweet darling child, they say you have a special connectino with a first born.  I'm so excited to meet you, and you are going to change my life forever.  You will teach me how to be a mother.  I await your arrival eagerly and prayerfully.  Mama loves you so much.  Come soon, my precious one!