Music Overload...

I love music. It is a passion that runs deep within me. To play, to listen and to dance to. It has been ingrained in me since I was born. From before I was born. But lately, I have had no desire to listen to music. I will turn on a song, and then get bored so I will shut it off. Or I will just get annoyed with it. This doesn't happen often. But it is concerning. And disconcerting.

Perhaps God is telling me something. To embrace and to eventually crave silence and solitude.

I hope this won't be for forever, because it feels wrong to be hatin' on music.

Love,
Ashleigh

Already September...

I am not going to write much today. Basically I just want to say enough so that I can post something on the first day of this month.

I have two takers for belly dancing, and this makes me very excited indeed! I know we are going to have a blast.

I don't have anything else to write. Just that I am annoyed with creepers.

Love,
Ashleigh

You're Not Alone...

Last night I was saying good night to Jake on the front step of my house, then when I went to unlock the door, I couldn't get in! The door was unlocking, but it wouldn't budge. Thankfully the back door was unlocked, but for some reason I thought someone might have been in the house. I think being alone in there is making me squirrely. So Jake and I searched the house from top to bottom(we decided not to be alone in the house together EVER, but this situation called for some hero intervention), and even though there was obviously no one there, I decided to stay with one of the girls from school anyways. I know that God is with me, but there is just something about having other people around that I sense His presence more clearly.

I called my landlord, and he gave me the code for the garage door opener; I think I will wander over there before work so that I can eat some lunch.

I am sure some of you have seen my Facebook status about bellydancing. To reiterate, Jake and I went for a walk to see if I could find the dance studio. We did, but to my chagrin and even horror, I found out that the studio also does tarot reading and numerology, not to mention reiki(which is strange enough). I was dumbfounded for a moment, and my first response was to not go anywhere near the place. We talked about it for a bit, and thought maybe I could try it out at least once. However, I knew that if I stepped one foot in that building, I might be opening up a whole other door for evil to penetrate my life, not to mention the fact that I wouldn't enjoy the class as much as I would like. So I have decided to take it at the community centre where it will hopefully be less influenced by spiritualism.

Love,
Ashleigh

Home Alone 5 ...

Well, thanks to all my very good friends, Missy, Rob, Nathaniel, Tricia, and Jake, I am moved in to my new place! It is even more beautiful than I remember! The only thing that I need to ask my landlord about is to get some screens in the sliding door and the kitchen window. There needs to be some air circulation upstairs!

The moving party was amazing. We only filled one and a half cars, but I felt really awful because I have a lot of stuff. However, most of what I own I have- I have only left a few boxes of my stuff at mom and dad's.

Nathaniel and Tricia made a delicious meal of ground beef sauce over mashed potatoes, and cooked snow peas and broccoli with butter. I know, your mouth is melting as you read this. So is mine! They stayed until 10:45pm, and then I was left alone. In that house.

It kind of freaked me out, but it was fun. I feel like a grown up now! And I want to take pride in my house, and keep it clean and everything. I can't wait for my roommates to move in.

Thursday is my last night of work at this tuxedo shop. It is very bittersweet, as I will miss working with these people, but I am very happy to be doing something else as well. I cannot wait to go to the library!

Love,
Ashleigh

Goodbyes and Packing...

Only in hindsight do you realize the irony of things. You can spend a whole summer living with people, but it is only at the moment of their departure that you wish you had spent more time with them while they were here. That is how I am feeling right now. One of my roommates, Leanne, who graduated in May, left on Friday for her home in London, and the other, Christina, is moving to Calgary to spend four months there, then will be living in the Czech Republic for another four months. Both of these women are amazing, and I am pleased to have had the privelege of getting to know them. I will miss them so much, and I wish them all godspeed in the next stage of their lives!!!

Yesterday marked mine and Jake's third month of dating. We had Missy and Rob over, and we all, including Caitlyn, enjoyed a delicious spaghetti dinner! It was a lot of fun! Afterwards, Jake and I celebrated dating by watching a Bollywood movie he bought in Toronto two months ago, called Jodhaa Akbar. It was a very good movie, for Bollywood. It wasn't overly cheesy, and actually had a happy ending! I have been wanting to watch it for a long time, so it seemed appropriate. I like dating him :D

Today, after a week's worth of turmoil and prayer about my living and schooling situation, I feel at peace. I have decided to stay where I am, and to switch into a 3 year bachelor, in just a general degree. I would like to finish in my current program, but without going into a mountain of debt, or taking time off to save up money, I think this is the most sensible course of action to take. This way, I only have to take four more courses, and I will be finished. I am moving into a house walking distance from the campus, which I will be sharing with two other girls. Since I will only be taking two courses this semester, I need to find another job to help out with things, and to seriously save up some money.

I am not copping out on missions. I know that God has called me to go into missions, but not by means of debt. However, I am going to finish a degree because I believe that this will be something of a personal accomplishment, and commitment to God with the money that I do have saved up. I have never finished anything major in my life before, and I want to finish this. After, I don't know what God has planned. I want to get my TESOL certificate and teach English to people, or learn a spate of languages and communicate the love of God with others. Or both. I just want to use the gifts God has given me so that His name may be glorified!

I know that if this is not what God wants for my life, if I am going against His will, that He will open and shut doors as he sees fit.

Ah, now on to packing. What a dreadful bore. I am excited, though, because after my shift tomorrow, I am having lovely friends come over and help me move, and then we will hang out!!! This makes me very excited indeed!!! I hope some of you can come and see my house. It is exceptionally nice!

Just a shout out to all those people I have been stressing on lately, namely mom and dad, and Jake...I just want to thank you all for your care, support, and patience. Most of all, I want to thank you for your prayers!!! And Nana, thank you so much for your faithful comments, even though you don't have to write them. They are very encouraging, and make me want to write more often.

I also want to publicly thank my Lord and God, who, even though it may seem like He is messing with me, patiently teaches me and carries me through the mountains and valleys of life. It is to you alone I surrendered my life when I called upon your name and believed, and it is to You alone that I continue with my education in hopes of serving you here in school and in whatever ministries it is that you would have me serve you in! I love you LORD!!!

Love always,
Ashleigh

The Nine hour shift....

Why did I agree to get up so early to go open the store this morning, all for some guys to take down the sign, and on my last Saturday shift too?

With a fuzzy head and a slight headache, I awoke this morning, and as I tried to convince myself that it is time to get up, I realized that I didn't have too much time to get ready.

Even now, I should be leaving for work, but my body won't function, and my body sinks into the couch, obvious disdain for early mornings...

Love,
Ashleigh

I don't know much...

I have absolutely no clue what God is trying to teach me right now. Patience? Trust? Faithfulness?

Could be any number of those things. Could be all of them. Could be that He just wants me to learn that I am not in control. Never have been. Never will be.

I know I have people all around me who I can talk to, but no one has the answer. They are all supportive, but no one has the words.

Only God has the words to give. Even if it was through someone, that would be helpful. I don't know how he is going to show me his plan for my life, but I am waiting with bated breath. Waiting with tears running down my face. Waiting with outstretched arms for him to take away the fears of uncertainty, of doubt, of change.

I don't know much. Compared to God, I don't know anything at all.

But I can be comforted with that fact.

God knows everything.

And that is all I need to know.

Love,
Ashleigh

Banana Muffins and a restless heart...

I have quite a few bananas that need to be eaten up. I bought them last week, and while they are not black yet, they are certainly far too gone to eat by themselves. I found an easy recipe online, and am looking forward to making them.

Yesterday I went to Zehrs three times in hopes of acquiring banana boxes for packing, but I seemed to miss it just before they crushed them all. I am now the proud owner of four boxes, waiting to be picked up. I decided to put in a request instead of chancing it each time. I am not really looking forward to packing. It is a sad time, and somewhat stressful. However, I decided that I am going to try to pack as lightly as I absolutely can, meaning seriously going through my things to decide what I will keep and what I will throw or give away. Yesterday I took some sweaters that I haven't been wearing to the used clothing bins across the road, which lightened my drawers substantially.

I was reading in Ruth today, just finishing up her marriage to that nice man Boaz, and headed on over to 1 Samuel. I was impressed with Hannah's faith and determination, despite the cruelty of her husband's other wife. She brought her barrenness before the Lord, and wept before Him, but made a vow that if he gave her a child she would give it to him. That is the ultimate in surrender! I have always thought it would be so hard to do, but as I think about it, she would be so grateful to have a child that she may have given it back as a blessing with joy in her heart. I am not quite sure. Whatever her emotions, God still blessed her with three more sons and two daughters, because of her faithfulness and surrender to him. It is stories like these that inspire me in pursuing faithfulness and trust in God.

I am excited, because in two more days it is mine and Jake's three month anniversary! It feels like longer than that, while at the same time I am still incredulous that we are dating! It makes me so happy, and thankful to God!

Love,
Ash

Water is Good...

I went home on the week-end, and had a great but challenging time with my family. This is one of those times when I wish I wasn't an adult, and that people would just make decisions for me.

I learned a lot in my devotions today, from Judges 20-21 if you can believe it. I learned that when the Israelites needed to know God's will there were a few things involved:

1.) They came before Him. They sought Him out. They didn't just sit back in their lazy boys and expect God to give them answers.
2.) They were humble. They openly wept before their God, which can sometimes be a humbling experience.
3.) They asked and inquired of God what His will was for them. How else could they have known if they did not ask?
4.) They were persistent, and prayed from morning until night. They did this not just once, but three times.
5.) They fasted, allowing God to speak to them without being distracted by food.
6.) They presented burnt offerings to him on behalf of their requests.

What do we need to do to ask God about His will?
1.)Be there-Seek His face
2.)Humility
3.)Inquire
4.)Be persistent-don't give up on God
5.)Fast
6.)Surrender-present ourselves as "living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is our spiritual act of worship" (Rom. 12:1)

Even though God didn't tell me what His will, for now I need to do these things.

Love, Ashleigh

Quiero Tu solo...

It is hard for me at times to put my thoughts into words. Even when I speak, there is a level of uncertainty that comes from a longing for people to understand me, knowing that my mouth does not always communicate with clarity. I think there is a desire in all of us to be understood. I know that it is easier for women to understand other women, because we know where all those emotions come from, and how they can be irrational yet completely rational at the same time. Men also understand men, and women, at times, can understand men. They seem to be so logical, so cut and dry, the problem solvers. It is the relationship between men and women that is so perplexing, the underlying tension when a woman tries to explain what she is feeling to a man. Oftentimes, she leaves him confused and frustrated at the unexpectedness of her outbursts, the fragility of her weaknesses, and the serenity of her happiness. It is highly doubtful that a man can truly understand her in every facet of her being.

I am blessed to be in a relationship where I am steered towards the One who understands me completely. No matter what happens in life, when it feels as if the carpet is being pulled out from under me, when all my feelings going down the drain, when I feel as if I am going to fall off the balance beam, God reaches for my hand and says, "I've got you."

I feel this reassurance every time I hear him say, "It's going to be ok", or "We'll get through this" or simply when he holds my hand.

I am blessed beyond belief to be in a relationship where I see clearly how God works, when He gives the words to say just at the moment I need them. Jake is never afraid of the truth, and he does not steer away from it. When I feel that no one will understand, when I am brought to my knees in the wake of my own feminity, God says, "It's going to be ok." Not only does He comfort me through His own words in the Bible, but also through the security and trust I feel when I am being hugged by my boyfriend.

This truly is a gift from God, and I find myself looking on in speechless wonderment, dependent on His incredible and undeserved grace.

Love,
Ashleigh